Dickheads at Dalby Tour
Riders :- Coops, Sinbad, Barry, Mr David, Fred, Brian, Will, Gary, Cam, Steve, Foxdale, Woody, Q, Gav, Nick, Brooksy, Kev, NeilK, Ned, NeilS, Pat, Bolty, Mike, Pete & Alex
Ride One – Helmsley / Hawnby loop…… Strava doesn’t lie
After a bout of panic buying by everyone of thermal gloves at Leisure Lakes due to the snow we passed on the way to Lockton our base for tour. The first ride started from Helmsley Carpark, Kerruish’s limp is always more pronounced in car parks as he checks the windscreens for tickets.
Once all the bikes were out and reassembled everyone was ready to start in glorious conditions ‘good job thermal gloves were bought’. Kerruish set off still in charge on the rut slut due to being the last one to come off in Wicklow, though he still contests this a year on.
With two coastguards, two of Isle of Mans finest and Mr David (Rielly) Isle of Mans own Bear Grylls there was little chance of getting lost…..one mile up the road the map was out, soon identifying the error we were soon on our way to get lost again. Experience tells you if your riding next to a river in a valley a big hill is waiting, riding past the picturesque ruins of Rievaulx Abbey, the serenity and tranquility broken by Nick, “what feck is that all about then it’s a feckin wreck?”.
We were soon lost again in a wild garlic filled wood with no clear path on the wrong side of the river, this was an easy mistake to make as the bridge we should have crossed is concealed by a big sign ‘Bridge this way’.
A steep grassy climb awaited Pete managed this easily low ring, high cadence, heartbeat 245 bpm, at the top a short rest, Pete explained that strava never lies as he got another KOM to go with the 48 he has on the Isle of Man and will happily take on all challengers.
A greasy sticky mud trail next which, saw the Rut Slut change hands for the first time Kev being attacked by a tree, the thick Claggy mud claimed Mikes rear mech. Ned chose to rest on a dry stone wall, built by Romans, survived the Civil War destroyed in seconds by Ned as soon as he sat on it. Mech mended and on our way again after telling Fred to put his helmet on the right way, just before the end of this section Mike was off Kev handing over the rut slut before he had become acquainted.
After a steep road climb we dined at Hawnby once the landlord could be persuaded to serve us. Pete must have been starving as he ate someone else’s sandwiches before his own came out.
At the top of the next hill a small rutty climb offered a challenge to young upstart Brooksy and Zen Master Laxeys over 50 Enduro Champion Mr David, after the fifth attempt Brooksy threw his bike into the hedge bowing to the superior skills of Mr David. We knew a long climb was coming as the noise from the rapid changing of gears rang out and Nick could be heard ” feckin feckin hill feck it”. A rest at the top to regroup before moving on Pete having to go back and get his forgotten helmet that was hidden……..’how he laughed’
Back into the forest at Newgate Bank we were soon lost again Luckily there were two ramblers nearby, Lord Skilly went to ask as we thought the language barrier might cause problems with Nick only fluent in Anglo-Saxon. Skilly thanked them but warned them “we’re going to ignore the advice given as we love getting lost.A long fire track descent with every one getting a bit giddy a few near misses occurred, Woody pulled up thinking he had punctured,riding behind I had the worrying view, his bolt thru had work loose and his wheel was wobbling like Nikki Minajs Arse.
A short ride back along the river back to the vans to load them up. A good first ride, well done to Pete who bagged another 12 KOM’s with his heart at rate at 248 bpm and Brooksy who did most of the ride on one wheel.
Ride 2 – Cropton – Rosedale – Cropton Loop
With Q spending most of the night inputting route markers into his Garmin there was little chance of us getting lost.
Warming up in the Carpark Steve became only the 2nd rider in tour history to get the Rut Slut before the ride had even started (Ned earned it in 2013 Coalport) showing skills not to dissimilar to Dan Macaskill he came off pulling a wheelie.
Leaving Cropton it wasn’t long before we turned onto a road marked ironically with a sign ‘Sat Nav error turn round’….things didn’t look good. After a up hill firetrack it was on to a trail that made the Traverse look like Arizona, in quick succession the rut slut was changing hands like a Peel girl on a stag do, first Neil S then Gav who was on first name terms already after past tours.
After a short detour due Q’s garmin losing the signal we were soon back a great piece of single track with the wind behind us as well. At the highest bleakest part Alex decided to change his brake pads, we all watched sheltering behind a high stone wall apart from Ned who peeped through a glory hole.
Onto a unbelievably spongy trail with deep boggy puddles the rut slut was bound to change owners Gav was already saying his goodbyes with a tear in his eye, this is where Fred’s inexperience showed, if other riders are letting you go first and other riders are waiting ahead it is usually pretty ominous, sure enough Fred went straight over the bars like Russian gymnast on steroids doing the parallel bars.
Down a great steep grassy track, Woody learnt don’t follow my line as it was really shit, onto a steep Tarmac climb, at the bottom a small child was crying with a sore ankle never one to miss a opportunity Pete tried to comfort her and gave his phone number to her parents asking them to give him a ring in a couple of years, he added her to his Tinder profile…..Gav and Q added him to operation Yew Tree. The Tarmac climb was no challenge to Pete now full of testosterone with his latest conquest he managed to set the quickest Strava time of walking with his pushbike still maintaining a heart rate of 245 bpm. Brooksy only just managed it but as he was pedalling backwards sat on his handlebars it was acceptable, Mr David was first up but later was disqualified after inspection of his bike revealed he had half power link missing so was deemed under weight.
A light refreshment at the Coach Inn for dinner then a superb stretch of single track to finish the loop that left everyone smiling even Nick.
Ride 3 – Dalby Forest trail centre.
Brooksy emerged from the YHA looking like he had just come from a N.W.A Concert at Compton, dressed all in white just missing a thick gold chain, Ned was dressed like a teenage Enduro boy which prompted Mr David to go back to his dressing up box and reconsider his attire.
The red route was the chosen a 24 mile loop. Ned as usual shot off chasing down a young lad on a Raleigh Grifter, regrouping at the top of the first section NeilS chastised Ned for leaving his lordship to fend for himself and to stop embarrassing himself. After a few more sections we arrived at a skill section…..what could go wrong…..with the rain coming down Brooksy went to the jump area, his white outfit now looking like he had shit himself, Sinbad went on the boards and was soon off them, the rut slut was his for all of 10 seconds as Pete was the next faller the rut slut was his slipping off the boards in front of a full audience, Q was next to try, paparazzi at the ready sadly to everyone’s disappointment he managed it with aplomb.
A couple of times we ended up on the black run, this is were Brooksy came into his own, clearly confident in his ability as he was in his wardrobe, then the tell tale cheers echoed through the forest ‘Brooksy was down’, feck knows what he was trying to do, the rut slut his, first time she had gone to a youngster.
Sheltering in the feckin trees from the feckin rain we feckin decided to feckin carry on, down the Tourette’s trail, there was quite a bit of climbing in the last section and the group got split because of this and because of a family with a ginger kid that we took pity on.
The next bit is a bit murky
My defence statement :-
Fred was about 8 yards ahead of me on a narrow single track section when his front wheel washed out on some mud throwing him off his bike, unfortunately Fred landed badly banging his head on a log temporarily concussing him, he didn’t have clue where he was or what had happened. That’s all I’m allowed to say at the moment.
Scurrilous rumours and conspiracy theories soon spread, all unfounded. There is no truth that I was heard shouting “coming through on left” and clipping him on the way past, I cannot explain the tyre tread mark on Fred’s chest and can only assume his pants fell down with the impact.
There’s certainly no truth that I got the instructions wrong and I was supposed to take Cam out so we could have a decent nights sleep
Luckily and especially as there was no phone signal the next group caught up which included Kerruish (God help us) and two of Isle of Mans finest Gav & Q, their training kicked in straight away, just like Cagney and Lacey (or the chuckle brothers) asking all the right questions
“What’s your name?”
“Have you any money?”
“Where are you?”
“Have you any money?”
Kerruish cycled ahead to get help just like the bush kangaroo. Q, Pete and I walked Fred and the bikes back to the trail centre HQ, all the time Q was trying to persuade Fred to press charges.
Gav was glad it was outside his jurisdiction due to the amount of paperwork involved. Once we got Pete out of the ambulance trying convince the paramedic he has a heartbeat of 245 bpm, Fred was taken to Scarborough Hospital for a check over, not before Cam made an offer for his bike. This was the most open and shut case for the rut slut, which is once again residing in Saddlestone for the second successive year.
Mr David has no time for the weak…..though he is a shit sailor.
Kev loves Yorkshire more than the shithole Port St Mary
Kev to Brooksy “you’re just a knobhead”.
Gav “It just went off in my pocket”
Woody “How’s his helmet”…. Bit personal
Bolty “Let’s get this straight are we killing Cam tonight”
Mike “Shit now I know where I know him from……”
A new afternoon TV show ‘What would Gav do?’
Big thanks to Coops and the drivers, biggest tour group to date