Loaghtan Loaded Tour 2017 – Hawkshead Revisited

Riders :-
Coops, Brookie, Cam, Neil S, Nick, Kev, Neil K, Jason, Dave R, Gav, Skippy, Q, Ian, Seamus, Sinbad, Karl, Foxdale, Pat, Pete H, Alex, Mikey, Steve, Stuart, Woody, Fred

Day One – Caife Loop

With the bikes loaded the previous night and the brief given out ‘meet outside the Sea Terminal at 7:30’, only Neil S failed to adhere to the instructions stopping off at a tanning booth, he arrived looking like David Dickinson.
A smooth crossing only stopping for 20 minutes at the windfarm to charge the battery on Nick’s Ebike.
With the magnificent Hawkshead YHA being close to the boat we had time for a ride just after arrival.
Everyone set off apart from Skippy who opted for an early tissue day, Fred set off as owner of the ‘Rut Slut’ from last years tour.
Turning off the road half way up Hawkshead Hill through the gate onto the trails. Bolty got the kissing gate at the end of the trail, taking it a bit to literally, lips puckered like an audition for ‘first dates’, Shaun using tongues was a bit too much. They didn’t realise they were neighbours in Glen Maye and are now bezzies
Waiting to regroup the first of the young versus old competitions took place, a steep 20 ft bank, first up and down, Laxey’s over 50 Enduro rider a clear winner, though Brookie was first down he wasn’t attached to the bike which meant he was first to be awarded with the rut slut.
Whilst waiting a discussion broke out about the strange colour of Packie Petes bike……Rusty Sheriffs Badge was decided
Next was a superb flowing rocky descent, nobody saw Seamus and Sinbad come down, after waiting a while we sent ‘Dynamo Man Nick’ back up on his Ebike hoping to use his battery up.
On the next trail Kerruish who usually has trouble with gloves this time had trouble with his shoe.The cloven hoofed buffoons cleat came loose leaving his shoe in the pedal with his foot out, a quick repair and off we went.
The next muster point over looking the scenic Esthwaite Water offered the perfect picture opportunity for Mr Rielly to get his arse out….last seen out at the Ramsey Arse Convention taking best in show in the over 50’s category.
The next descent was a bit more sketchy, similar to the babies head but steeper, Brookie got to the gate just in time to see Sinbad go down quicker than a Peel girl…..the rut slut was Sinbads for the day.

Day Two – Loughrigg Terrace

Skippy joined us for today’s ride (only because the curtains were at the cleaners). Using the cycle paths to keep us off the narrow country lanes( these work really well in the Lakes) we soon arrived at the start of today’s loop.
Discontent soon ensued, a feckin steep road climb which led to ‘Clappersgate’ an appropriate place name given the way Brookie was itching and scratching, the climb was made more annoying by ‘Dynamo Man Nick’ whistling all the way up while the rest of us were panting like lesbians in Moores Kipper Yard.
At the top whilst regrouping a discussion took place between NeilS and Kev both London marathon finishers as to who ran the hardest marathon. Kev won the debate as he ran it dressed as a ‘down and out in a tutu’ where as NeilS just dressed as David Dickinson and ran with a Manx flag……Skilly is not even Manx, he just ran under a flag of convenience.
Sinbad led the way, within 30 yards he was off, sinking into a deep bog splashing round and throwing peat like a mad dogs shite, he would have drowned if it wasn’t for the rut slut raising him up out of the bog like Excalibur…….he was in the water longer though than Coop’s lake swim in the morning. Halfway down the trail Sinbads chain snapped …this is why we call him ‘Lucky Sinbad’. The rest carried on whilst Me, Seamus and Skippy took the piss, taking advantage of the wait I rang Gadge, who wasn’t riding due a broken nail, to pick some spares up from the local bike shop.
Once down the narrow rocky single track (which Kev had an off on giving him the rut slut) We went through another kissing gate. As I carried my bike over Seamus pointed to the large gap to the side to push your bike through…….onto short a really smooth track……..so why the feck Skippy was rolling round like a premier footballer as I came round the corner who knows, pleading with me I vowed to stay quiet.
At the bottom I announced “I don’t know why Kev’s got the rut slut after what I just witnessed”,
Skippy “you knob”……….who needs friends.
After the obligatory Arse out picture by Mr Reilly Laxeys over 50 arse model, lunch was sought stopping at the Britannia in Langdale which coped well with 23 mountain bikers suddenly descending on them.(Though I may have picked up a bout of food poisoning).
Once lunch was digested a spot of all-in Lakeland Wrestling between young upstart Brookie and Old Man Reilly broke out on the village green, the winner being the veteran,though foul play may have taken place with Brookie being given a wedgie.
On Loughrigg Terrace overlooking Rydal Water we bumped into some over Manxies walking.
On the ride back to the YHA another challenge between Brookie and Reilly up a steep bank round the tree and back……2 – 0, will Brookie ever learn.
Back on the cycle path the Peleton came to a shuddering halt, a slow worm on the path, by the time we got back it had gone from slow worm to Komodo Dragon.
After another long road climb up Hawkshead Hill we arrived back in Hawkshead, the age differences stood out in the village , youngsters opting for a few pints, whilst the more mature settling for cake (biggest cake I’ve seen) with Fred buying the round……A pot of tea for Six.
Back at the YHA Kerruish fettled with his Mexican peasants bike the Santa Cruz the chain had been slipping….a new cassette and chain fitted after much deliberation as to what length to cut it to. Hopping on the bike after cycling 10ft he shouted ……”Yes, sweet as nut”………then the chain being too tight sent the rear derailleur into the wheel snapping 3 spokes and Stans sealant pissing everywhere……we retired to the bar to discuss the options…..
1. Kerruish’s tour was over
2. Hire a bike (unlikely would you hire a bike to that face)
3. Bike shop in the morning for a new wheel and derailleur
A whip round raised £13:43 and some Pork Scratchings, option 3 it was then.

Day Three – Winlatter Trail Park

Everybody riding apart from Skippy who claimed his shoulder hurt after yesterday’s off…..real reason the curtains are back from the cleaners.
Setting of on the Northern Red run the group soon spread out Sinbad first to stop with more chain trouble, then he went over the bars, Q reached round and checked Sinbads jewels as there had been a conscious uncoupling of the undercarriage.
Sinbad now has the record of holding the rut slut 3 times in 3 rides.
Halfway round the Northern loop I came across a sight I cannot un-see, 3 men Alex, Gav and Q bent over covered in white goo……..
“It just went off in my hand claimed Q”
“It just Burped out” exclaimed Gav
“The rubber ripped” said Alex
Disgusted by the deviants behaviour especially on a Sunday the rest carried on waiting at the bottom for them to clean up, after a while they emerged from the trees licking their lips.
After a snack at the cafe the rest went to do the Southern Loop, where Fred became reacquainted with the rut slut, Sinbad and Fred really wanted her.
I went to do the Blue run due to the effects of the Food poisoning. I certainly wasn’t the best rider, but nobody left more on the trails than me 😉.

Day Four – Helvellyn

3 riders missing, Skippy having another tissue day, Cams forks fooked and Shaun doing a swim.
Setting off from Ullswater the only way was up. Having been given the the easiest route to the summit of Helvellyn by the owner of a bike shop, we decided to totally ignore the advice, local knowledge is vastly overrated.
Past Helvellyn YHA we turned onto Sticks Pass a steep trail of loose Stone and Shale, bikes on shoulders, silence only broken by Nicks mutterings, a sort of Pigeon English interspersed with Fecks.
After a short rest at the top, where Alex filled his Camelbak up from a pool.
Nick worried “that water is fuckin full of fuckin heavy fuckin metals, you’ll fuckin die if you fuckin drink that fuckin shit”…….quickly getting my translation book out ‘ I think it translates as ‘that water maybe impure’
On the plus side there is plenty of loose stone to make a burial mound
Once at the top the scenery changes into what looks like a Lunar film set flat with big rocks.
After this more technical single track with a drop to the left, with more bike and hike, passing ramblers pissing themselves, telling us “you’re bloody mad”.
After a couple of wide tracks came the steep slog up to the summit path, more loose rocks and really strong winds preventing you from taking too many steps at a time in fear of being caught off balance the bikes on our shoulders acting like sails.
Once this bit had been navigated the path to the summit is plain sailing. At the Cairn ramblers were amazed, ‘they’d seen the odd bike but never 22 in one go’.They thought it was great taking photos of us.
One old blue rinse lady could be heard whispering to her friend “Isn’t that Dave Reilly Laxeys over 50 Enduro champion, I have picture of his Arse next to my commode”.
Once the photo call was done and jackets donned for the descent, Seamus said……..
“We’ve made it up, lets not get giddy, stay together and get down safely”.
The way down started off quite easily until we came across a steep grassy descent and in Nicks words ‘a fuckin shite fuckin path that’s just fuckin shite’, you could tell we were in Wordsworth
Country, the only victim on the descent was Fred, over the bars. NeilS adopted a cyclocross style running with his bike looking like Dale Winton doing supermarket sweep with his tan. Coops style caused more hazards by starting a rock fall.
Once down an off and on single track which took us to a river crossing. Some paddled through others took the riskier log bridge……only 2 more miles to go and the 2017 tour is over nobody taking any chances to avoid the rut slut.
Helvellyn conquered at a heavy price though.
Helvellyn offs :- Q-Ian-Fred-PeteH-Packers-Fred (again)-Mikey

Well done to all the Pubs that catered for us Red Lion – Outgate Inn – Britannia

There was an incident involving an unpaid £2.95 Cheese & Garlic Bread at the Red Lion, which I’m sure was down to a discrepancy at the till as we all paid. Especially as we had spent approx £1500 in three days at the pub it seemed a bit trivial. Our two crime fighters resolved the case by effectively paying twice. Their integrity isn’t in question though their taste in music is SlipKnot to Taylor Swift. There was another crime as yet unsolved involving a Co-Op shopping basket, an artists impression was released of a suspect they would like to speak to :- approx 5’7″ hair like Kim Jong Un and of Middle Eastern pallor, dressed in a Japanese Admirals Uniform.

Cumbria Police later released a statement :- Two crimes appear to have occurred which have no place in the Lake District, despite these heinous acts Cumbria is still a safe place to live.

There were 13 offs on the tour Fred and Sinbad going out of their way to get the attentions of the rut slut having 3 each.


A Trophy is awarded to the person who has either ridden the best/been the most entertaining/biggest knob/ most helpful, this is voted by everybody on the tour…….
The 2017 winner is Ian Brookfield…… He had to win something having lost the old versus young 4-0 and a submission to Dave Reilly.


“I’ve come to ride not walk” …..Skilly then caught walking.
“Windy corner wants to have a serious look at itself”…..Seamus halfway up Helvellyn with strong crosswinds.
“Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck”……Nick for no apparent reason.
“I’m the first Sea Lord” ……Packers.
“I can smell burning rubber but I’m on holiday” Neil Kerruish in the van.
“I think I’m a contender” Woody wearing a yellow Jersey.
“Nobody died which is a bonus” Gav.

A Big Thanks too :-
Coops for all the logistics
The drivers Bolty, Coops, Gary and Pat
Sinbad and Coops for picking really shite routes
Seamus for organising the Food