Arriving in good time at the YHA we had time for a short bimble before tea.
Bikes assembled and Mikey was given the ‘Rut Slut’ as he was the holder from lasts years tour.

‘Rut Slut is a two foot blow up doll awarded to the rider that comes off and has to ride with her till the next crash by a rider.’

Less than a mile into the ride Mikey with a tear in his eye had to give up the ‘Rut Slut’, she was quite glad he really abused her in the year he had with her.

Binny was the first recipient of the temptress he somehow managed to come off going up a hill on a country lane. Binny screamed foul play accusing Brooky of running in to the back of him. The accident went to VAR and the evidence was clear. Binny stopped and forgot he was clipped in, probably due to the large quantity of beer consumed at Hawkshead Brewery on the way up.

Our Trail Pathfinder partnership Coops/Ormerod, who are to map reading what Gary Glitter is to child minding, got lost in the first village ‘Bardon Mill’ whilst examining the maps (may as well be in Braille) Seamus read the village notice board and got all excited at the poster ‘Swing Ball Session 7pm bang loudly at the back door’. When it was explained to him what swing ball is he was most disappointed.

Half way up a track we came across a bull, £60 was quickly placed to try and persuade Brooky to ride it….the young wimp refused.

Further along a Kite circled over us looking for the small weak rider to pick off, Woody looked worried.

After asking a local farmer which way to go it was decided to ignore his superior local knowledge and we promptly got lost after 2 miles.

Two options a river crossing or turn round, Ned refused to try the river, it was ankle deep for us, too risky for Ned.

Usually we do a trail park on the last day of tour because we’ve usually had
enough of each other by then and you can feck off and do your own stuff. We
decided to do it on Friday as we hoped it would be less busy. The decision was a
rare success 250sq miles virtually to ourselves.

The trails were really dusty making cornering a bit sketchy at times offering
little grip.

The dust being thrown up played havoc with Pats chest infection making him sound
like a Benson & Hedges Beagle.

Half way round we went onto the red run through the trees which offered us some
much needed respite from the glaring sun beating down on us. The heat was just
about bearable, but the drums, those damn drums sent Kerruish daft till we
realised that’s his normal demeanour.

As soon as we were on the red run we thought we saw a smurf it turned out to be
bolty who thought it was fancy dress resplendent in all blue (even his shoes) to
match his bike. This clearly distracted Ned causing him to come off. The Rut
slut was soon exchanged think she was glad after being abused by ‘Bullet Binny’.
Ned was gutted to be reacquainted, he has never got on with Rut slut after a
contested crash at Cannock Chase in 2013. It’s the only time the Rut Slut is
bigger than the rider.

Dinner at the Anglers Arms, Seamus eager to stress not to dally as we had to be
back on time for the pub tea after being late yesterday. After a few pints it
was time to make a move until we found a maze made out of Gabion baskets. Coops
got out without a map….fecking amazing, Seamus got lost and had to resort to
climbing on top to get out. Two hours had now passed

Seamus said “we really must make a move now”.
Just as we were about to set off Woody noticed he had a puncture.
Seamus “feckity feck feck feck you feckwit”
Soon mended and on our way once Seamus had herded us all back up again.

On the way back Binny catapulted himself off his bike, desperate to get the
‘Slut’ back again he really missed her. Ned couldn’t get rid of her quick enough
and threw her at Binny like a mad dog throwing shite.

A good ride, you’d think riding around a lake you wouldn’t do much climbing, but
there’s loads of digs that take it off you.

Today’s ride was a short one due to some of the lads wanting to watch the footy.
Setting off from Allendale straight into a road climb, Binny the Bullet saw
sense to keep hydrated early taking onboard a Stella Artois half way up the
hill.

Riding on bone dry moorland is a rare pleasure, lots of various birds ranging
from Buzzards, Curlews to Peregines were seen.

We had to wait at one gate to allow a group of 9 horse riders that had the same
ethos as us they all had cans of Koppenburg.

Amazing random fact number 1 on today’s ride, that came from nowhere, is the
Pete’s godmother was Hattie Jacques.

We discovered the problem with the map readers they suffer from
kenocartographobia – which is a fear of maps, this explains a lot.

The dusty trails are taking a toll on the bikes a few creaks developing, Woody
bottom bracket almost seized, some magic lube applied got it through the ride.
Brooky, who must have thought it was a fancy dress day, came as a Tory rent boy
and showed an unhealthy interest in the special lube.

Amazing random fact number 2 whilst StevieO was taking on everything like Froome
from gels, asthma inhaler and EPO stated…..

“Doing the Tour has been proven to take a couple years of your life”
Fred miss-heard this and said “Loaghtan Tours take a lot more than two years off
you”.

The day was soon to turn into a nightmare for Kerruish.

This was his first tour with laces in his shoes and he was really struggling.

As soon as we got off the road we got lost due to the recon team using a
parchment map from 1832 that didn’t show the forest on it.

Whilst trying find a trail Kerruish lost his Garmin riding up and down trying to
find it until Bolty owned up that he had it…’How Kerruish laughed’

The trail had completely disappeared so we had to settle on a bike and hike
route through long grass, we nearly lost Ned but found the skeletons of the
missing Roman 9th Legion. We also managed to find the only boggy wet trail in a
drought.

Whilst walking/riding in the long grass Kerruish managed to snap his rear mech!

Ned “Don’t worry I have one when we get to the fire road we’ll mend it (it was
debatable we would ever find it)

On stopping at the fire road Ned handed Neil a rear hanger…..

“It’s mech I need” said Kerruish “you’re as thick as triple whipped shit”

Setting off after a temporary repair we came down a fast descent. Seamus decided
the ride needed a bit of spark and decided to take Kev out in quite spectacular
fashion, .Doing an overtaking manoeuvre that Lewis Hamilton would be proud of,
Kev went crashing to the ground like cheating bastard Neymar in the World Cup.

Kev was in some considerable pain and was advised to stay as still as possible
while we got our cameras out. A suspected broken rib had Kerruish smiling with
glee.

“Can I have your rear mech since you can’t carry on”…..every cloud.

Ned rode ahead to get the van to pick Kev up, we went to a nearby pub to wait,
Kev had a little nap on the grass in the beer garden but was awoken by someone
dripping vinegar on his cut from a sachet.

The ride back was to the YHA turned into the usual race, but all arrived back
safely.

Another top tour with great weather and company.

Sill YHA highly recommended, best one we’ve stayed at.

Twice Brewed pub next door, great food and beers and welcomed us (though they
did make about £2500 from us!)

Ran out of Vodka, Cider, Baileys 😊

Thanks to the drivers, Ned, Coops, Bolty & Pat.

Seamus for sorting all the food orders out.

StevieO & Coops map reading, thankless task as we just take the piss.

Coops for logistics.

Quotes

Cam – day one “doesn’t seem very hilly” that came back to bite him in the arse!

Woody – “I bet alpaca wool is nice to wipe your arse on”

Watching the football at the YHA :-
Stranger to Quilly, “aren’t you standing for the national anthem”
Quilly, “Ain’t my feckin national anthem!”

Kev after coming off “Get that Rut Slut away from me or I’ll deck you!”

Foxdale